How could you?
Just so easy you came.
And just so easy for you to just leave.
You just up and left.
And again,its your choice.
Never mine.
And I have never had any chance to take a pick or even choose.
You're being unfair towards me.
So easy for you,huh.
How could you.
I know I should stop doing this,its not doing me any good but I can't.
Third day without you,its terrifying.
I'm lost and dead.
Not half dead but seriously dead.
I don't know how to fake a smile anymore.I don't know how not to cry.
Everything just reminds me of you.
While I was cooking for Hanif,it reminds me of you.
While I was washing the dishes,I remembered having your presence next to mine.
You remember?Those times where we used to do the dishes together.
I looked at the back yard of the kitchen,and your image of trying to tear open the durian.
It keeps coming back to me.
You're everywhere.
I don't want you to be gone.
I want you near.
I'm pathetic.
I should stop,but I couldn't.
I miss you.
It hurts.
Do you miss me?
And its pathetic how I counted.
Yes,its pathetic how I counted the days without you.
Its been,somehow empty.
I know I should stop doing it.
But I can't.
While I was driving,something fell down on my lap.It was your picture that would keep me company while I was driving.
I was crying.I cried cause I couldn't keep my mind of you.
Even going out with my friend just then at Wondermilk and Ikea reminded me so much of you.
I tried so hard to hold back my tears,I tried,I did.And although I managed,I felt so dead.
I'm like a corpse.
I look alive in the outside but I'm dead in the inside.
I kept asking myself,
"Will you come back?"
I tried to be strong,I did try.
But I failed.
And the second day without you is the hardest,as things around me reminds me so much of you.
That each and every step I took it reminds me of you.
And its pathetic how I felt so hallow.
You're no longer there.
The whole day yesterday,I did nothing but just cry and make myself feel so bad.
I cried and cried. I ate just a few,and I didn't even care much.
I didn't even took my shower.
I cried.
And keep crying until I realized that it was time to stop.
I did stopped.Only nearly 7pm I stopped.
And it felt good.
When I took my shower.
I felt that something was amiss.
Oh yeah,the ring and the necklace that I gave back to you the other night.
That necklace which I got for our 6th Monthsary,and the ring that I got for our 1 Year Anniversary.
Goodness,those two things are crucial to me,and I never leave home without them.
Not having them with me anymore means that I really,really,really have lost you.
Have lost us.
And it broke my heart.
I thought I was strong.But instead,I broke into tears couple of hours ago when I accidentally open the folder of us together.
I cried,cried like a baby.I don't even remember hearing me cry so badly.
It hurts.
I'm hurt.
And how can I get rid of you from my life?
When the phone I'm using now is the one that I bought with you.
When the pillows and teddy that I'm hugging now are from you.
When the blanky that kept me warm at night is similar to you hugging me and keeping me safe.
When the car I'm driving is konon nya your car's wife.
When the purse I'm using is from you.
And when the hurt that I'm indulging is caused by you.
How can I get rid of you?
Everything just has a glimpse of you.
I tried to take a deep breath and open up my heart.
But its closed.
Held very closed and shut from anything that would wanna enter.
I'm scared.
Scared that I might not be able to love again.
Cause I only have one heart,I gave it to you,and you took it,and you break it.
You shatter it into pieces.
And I just don't know how to pick it up and mend it again.
Just one heart,and I'm hoping that my heart would grow again,just like trees.
I hope.
I love you.
And one day,I know that if I ever find new love again,
and if the guy ask,
"Who's your first love?"
I can surely say,
"I don't wanna mention his name.But he sure is the best I've ever had"
And I know its you.
I know that you're the very first love I've ever had.
I hope I have nothing to lose.
I remembered that once,this used to be the song that we always listened to.
And now,I dedicate this song to you.
Cause this is how I feel,and how you treated me.
And thats why I love my girl friends.
They always have the strength to make me strong again.
(:
And I am emotionally stronger now.
Dear God,
please give me guidance.
